Words that Hurt; My First Therapist Appointment with Hollis

All words are capable of evoking emotions. Some words hurt and some words help. Some words hurt intentionally whilst others are hurtful by accident.

I decided some ways back after getting the bypass and struggling with so many negative emotions linked to my addiction to food that it would behoove me to see a therapist in addition to my monthly meetings. FINALLY today, being 9 weeks out from the surgery, I took action and showed up to my appointment.

Like every other medical appointment that you attend for the fist time, they ask you to fill out paperwork. Paperwork for HIPPA, paperwork for permission to contact the authorities/primary care, and paperwork for family history and background of said new patient. Of course they would. I would want to get to know me too! LOL All kidding aside, that paperwork serves the purpose to keep both the patient and the professional safe!

My therapists name is Hollis. I was ushered nicely into a comfortable room with what Hollis called "noisemakers". He said they helped with privacy so others couldn't hear us talk and we wouldn't be bothered by others conversations. They were little sound machines that emitted white noise. GREAT IDEA RIGHT!!!??? Point 1 for Hollis!

He set great expectations for me telling me everything he was going to do and talk about step-by-step. Point 2 for Hollis! 

We talked about family history of alcoholism, disease, etc. We talked about any experiences that might have scarred me as a child or adolescent, as well as an adult. He asked me about my family, who I could lean on in time of need. He asked me about my boyfriend. <3 He asked me about Autumn and about her father. He asked me if I had any history of self harm, depression, or anxiety.

I was so proud of myself for not crying the entire time. I thought he was done. LOL Not yet Hollis, not yet. 

Finally he looked at me and said that he had to give me a diagnosis to be able to continue to treat me under the insurance. He said he was going to diagnose me with an eating disorder. Those Words... hit me like they were made of bricks. Tangible and visible. I could almost see them roll off his tongue in slow motion. And I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, that I had a look of hurt on my face (I never have had a very good poker face lol).

He came closer to me in his rolling chair and told me that having an eating disorder doesn't make me any less of a wonderful person. He told me I was in the right place and doing the right thing to get where I wanted to be. Said that he was sorry if he had hurt my feelings in any way, it was just that he had to look at it in a clinical perspective. I understood. I wiped the tears from my face as he told me all this. Points 3, 4, and 5 for Hollis!!!

He said that for homework he wanted me to attend a couple of OA (overeaters anonymous) meetings before we met next.

He gave me Homework!!! LOL HOMEWORK? I SIR, AM 27 YEAR OLD! Am I going to do this homework? You bet your sweet butt lumps I am :) 

Update: Had a Gastric Bypass!!!!

It has been a LONG time since I last updated this blog.

Since my last update. The following has happened in the proper order.

1. My diet in Summer of 2014 failed miserably. 
2. In October of 2014 I was diagnosed as a type II Diabetic. 
3. Despite my FSGS (focal segmental glomerulosclerosis, essentially a fancy way to say the type of Kidney disease I was diagnosed with in Summer 2011) my doctor still prescribed me Metformin. Upon research, Metformin was manufactured to be a weight loss pill, but once the effect of a lowered A1C was noticed, they changed their target audience to diabetics to make more money. I was having some gastrointestinal problems (diarrhea, vomiting, and nausea), and after losing 12 lbs I felt great and my blood sugars were more in control. 
4. My doctor took me off of the Metformin due to the GI issues I was having and put me on Glipizide. More research LOL The way Glipizide works is it forces your pancreas to produce more insulin. And if you have diabetes already, your pancreas is already overworked. Most people on Glipizide become Type I diabetics within a year of being on this stuff. I did not want that. 
5. My doctor suggested weight loss surgery. It was drastic, and at the time I figured it was an "easy way out". A simple way to force me to lose weight. I made my decision to do the weight loss surgery after my cousin Maurice passed away December 19th of 2014.
6. I saw Dr. Pohl (my weight loss surgeon) in February of 2015 and started the process to be approved from the Insurance company. 
7. Finally I demanded I be taken off the Glipizide. My doctor refused several times. So I took myself off of it. Dangerous I know. But more dangerous if I stayed on it. I monitored my blood sugars over the next few months. They were good for a couple, then my diet strayed and they shot right back up. 
8. Finally in August 2015 my insurance company approved my surgery and gave me the Date! October 20th 2015 would be the day I would change my life forever! 
9. October 6th 2015 I started my pre-op diet 2 weeks before the surgery! 
10. October 20th came around, and I had my surgery! More on that in future blogs! 
11. Inner skinny girl is on her way out!

I will be writing a weekly blog from now on! So keep checking in! 

Dear Inner Skinny Girl

Dear Inner Skinny Girl, 

I cant wait for you to surface!!! I cant wait to show you off! 

I had what I call a skinny girl moment, a few minutes ago. And it felt so good!

It's actually kind of funny to explain. 

OK So, I'm at work. I work in a Lab, so my breaks and lunches are in a separate room. Well, I noticed on my sparkpeople.com page that i hadn't drank nearly enough water today. SO I went into the breakroom to get more ice water for myself. I enter the room, and what's on the table stares me in the face. I get mad. Legitimately mad. Sort of LOL 

"How dare they order this food full of carbs and shi&!" I fume inside my head. "Don't these a$$hats know I'm trying to be healthy? This does NOT Help!" 

Of course, OBVIOUSLY, they were not thinking of me and my needs when the food was ordered. Honestly, it was more than likely food ordered by a drug sponsor for the whole place in exchange for them listening to his shpiel about the new medication he was trying to sell. 

ANYWAYS! Moving on LOL 

I look at the bagel pieces on the table, glance at the chocolate chip cookies, and the muffins. And laugh! Out loud. Like almost an evil villainess laugh. Like an Ursula-from-little-mermaid laugh.... I am quite sure that those muffins were about to grow legs and try to run away from me LOL 

I am not tempted in the least... not at all. Don't want them. Not a bit. Not the reaction I expected from myself to be honest. 

In fact, once I have my ice water in hand, I slam the freezer door, slam the covers down on top of the muffins so i dont have to look at them, say, "I'm gonna go eat the sh%t that's good for me, here's what I think of you," and fart in that horrible-for-me food's direction and immediately leave the room! LOL 

I showed those muffins.... 

Here's to you letitng you out Inner Skinny Girl 

Sincerely, 
Temporarily Fat Chick

Lifestyle change

Day 3

My name is Janis. I am a single 25 year old mom with a monster of a 3 year old (see my other blog - post link). I work two jobs as a phlebotomist. And boy, am I sick and tired of being tired. Tired of being unhealthy, sluggish, slow, and in a bad mood. For once I want to go to the beach and be proud to show off my sexy body, not so ashamed that i hide it. 

I suppose desire is the first quality you have to have to get what you want. Check! Got it. 

I refuse to call what I am doing a diet, I will call it a lifestyle change, because lets face it, that's what it needs to be to maintain healthiness. You can't be in good overall health after a month or two of doing a 'diet', and you sure as hell cant stay that way years and years after doing some fad diet either. It has to be a change that you consciously have to make. You have to pay attention to every little detail.... 

Well, folks, i am now on day 3 of my lifestyle change. The first day was hard, the second day (being the Fourth of July) was even harder, but I managed. Today was the easiest day so far. 

Made my first milestone today, I refused pizza. It was right there in the break-room in front of my face, steaming, the smells of basil and oregano filled the air. And yet, somehow, i was still able to turn away from it, and go back into the lab where i work, and happily drink that water. 

I asked myself a series of questions. 

1. Did I need this? Hell NO, I DID NOT need it. *as I look down at my tummy* Plus I had already had my lunch. 

2. What did i want more, that pizza in my belly, or my ultimate goal to be accomplished? Easy answer right then. I wanted my results. I want to be the one everyone stares at drooling over at the beach. 

Honestly, i think my legs walked away before i even had the chance to make the decision in my head. Bully for them.

Food as of today @ 2:30 PM: 

Breakfast: 1 cup of Chobani Greek Strawberry Yogurt @ 8:30 AM

Snack: 4 mini bell peppers with 2 oz of garlic hummus, and 1 mini cuke

Lunch: 4 or 5 slices of plain turkey lunch-meat, a small fruit salad consisting of watermelon, pineapple, strawberries, and blueberries; and a half a sliced apple with an ounce or so of peanut butter. 

Snack: 7 baby carrot sticks and 6 - 2 inch long pieces of celery with 1 oz or so of almond butter; and one mini cuke. 

I feel like this is actually a lot of food, it's just all food that's great for me. 

Bully for me, I had no straight carbs today :) 

Tonight is the Fourth of July party my boyfriends sister is having, lets see how I do. I know i have some apple chicken sausage I can roast over the fire. No booze for me tonight?? 

Wish me luck!!!